the beauty myth

my misinterpretation of a TikTok trend and what that says about our relationship to beauty

“Beauty was the ultimate prize, and it was something to be admired, coveted, and possessed,” writes Alicia Drake of the glittering crowd swooning around Karl Lagerfeld and Yves Saint Laurent at Le Sept in the 1970s in The Beautiful Fall. She goes on to describe beauty as a trait to be cultivated, revered by that world in the same manner as intelligence or kindness.

Beauty is often considered a construct of youth. For the first twenty five years of my life, it was at the very least an obsession. We spent hours trying to understand it, perfect it, control it, possess it via ourselves or others in our orbit. Eleanor Roosevelt referred to those who have both beauty and youth as “accidents of nature” - and what a fun accident it was for a time.

Once we get older, more settled, the signifiers of beauty shift. Even-toned, poreless skin, but with the right amount of aging to show you go to a good doctor. Light makeup. Lack of fluid retention. A low, tasteful bun with a center part.

In this middling stage of late 30s life, whether attached or single, we get to be less obsessed with the opposite sex (finally). Instead, our obsession has shifted into the chimera that is aging gracefully, possessing the kind of skin the looks as if we spend our days as idle members of the leisure class, and not on a hamster wheel of tending to young children, full time jobs and keeping up the illusion of a well-balanced life.

I still remember the hoopla around Emily Weiss’ wedding routine on ITG: the lymphatic massages, the colonics, the microcurrent. A reread made me wonder why this was all so revolutionary. I do 90% of the things she describes, and I’m not prepping for anything. Just aging.

My team at work alerted me to a TikTok trend described as “high maintenance to be low maintenance.” I interpreted it as the exhausting amount of maintenance we have to do to make it seem like we do nothing. The actual definition is less jaded: having specific large tasks that you complete on an infrequent basis in order to save more time during day-to-day life, like getting your lashes tinted.

The titular word is appear. My high maintenance routine doesn’t save me any time, and certainly doesn’t save me any money. It’s all in service of a facade, albeit one that I still hold tightly as an object of desire.

And after two decades working in beauty and fashion, after years of testing, prodding and getting poked, I think I’ve conquered my high maintenance to appear low maintenance routine.

The Bench of Professionals:

Beverly Hills Wellness Club - I dread every minute of these treatments (she beats you with an array of different wooden tools from Brazil). But I go back because after just an hour, you lose inches on your waist and thighs. From $240 a session.

Ricari Studios - Another lymphatic massage, but this one is a treat. You wear a skin tight, mesh full body suit, and they use a this special machine that I assume is from somewhere in the Netherlands all over your body and face. It feels incredible, and you leaving feeling lighter and glowy and rested. From $325 a session.

Vanessa Hernandez Skincare - Vanessa changed my skin when I first moved to LA from New York. And now I see her twice a month: once for a sixty minute facial and once for a complimentary check up. This is not the kind of facial where you bliss out on steam and hand massages. It’s tools and extractions and oxygen and microcurrent and microdermabrasion wands. And it gives you your best skin ever. From $350 a session.

Dr. Raj Chopra - I’m a bit nervous to give up this source, because he’s so good and relatively affordable compared to other doctors in Beverly Hills (I’m very in favor of going to an actual doctor for Botox instead of a nurse). As someone who grew up in the Indian tradition of “if you’re not a doctor, you’re a disappointment,” I once asked him if being a plastic surgeon has the same clout in Indian families as other types of medicine. He confirmed that it did, and then told me how he actually wanted to be an artist, a sculptor to be specific. And so, by becoming a plastic surgeon, he gets to sculpt faces all day; his way of fulfilling a longing artistic passion.

And the products! So many products!

The Double Cleanse (morning and night):

goop Beauty Exfoliating Jelly Cleanser - a savior for acne prone or clogged skin, a light exfoliating scrub that is infused with Vitamin C and E to make it gentle enough to use twice a day. $35

De Mamiel Pure Calm Cleansing Dew - All of De Mamiel’s products are made on Annee De Mamiel’s organic farm outside of London. They smell beautiful, feel luxurious to put on and they work. This cleansing dew was discontinued (I can only find it at one place, which I linked above) but I’ve been told that her Brightening Cleansing Oil is just as fantastic. Her products are expensive, but they’re also hand crafted and produced in small batches; our own little British apothecary. $96

The Serum Strategy:

goop Beauty Peptide Serum - My holy grail staple. If you use this 2x a day for a week, you’ll see results. Clinically studied by a leading plastic surgeon (he used it to help speed up skin recovery post in office treatments), it’s a great all in one: firm, texture, tone. It’s also gentle enough that you can layer it on top of anything other serums you’re using. $150 (this is sold out, again, but you can add yourself to the waitlist)

Retinol - For a clean version, De Mamiel’s “Gravity Fix.” For non-clean, there’s an incredibly harsh one that makes me peel that I get from VH Skin and LOVE. $255 and $95

The Creams:

Augustinus Bader The Rich Cream (at night) - This is a cult favorite for a reason. My skin just soaks it in, and I get that ever satisfying glazed donut nighttime feeling that translates to hydrated, even-toned perfection in the morning. It’s a splurge, but you get what you pay for. $300

goop Beauty Water Cream (day) - A mattefying, water based, light cream for the morning. Perfect for under makeup and hot days. $68.

The Tools:

Lyma Laser - I’ll admit this is a ridiculously expensive purchase (I justified it by deciding the cost per use was much cheaper than getting a laser at VH Skin), but if you use it religiously, it’s a game changer for dark spots, wrinkles and tone. You have to move it around your face for 30 minutes a day (stay in each area for 3 minutes), so I wouldn’t invest in it unless you are going to do it daily. It rarely goes on sale, but you can find deals on it from time to time. From $2695

Dennis Gross LED Mask - A bit cheaper, easier to use (it rests hands free on your face as you’re typing, reading or watching TV. I have it on now as I’m writing this) with red, blue and combo settings. From $455

The Once a Week Saviors:

goop Beauty Peel Pads 15% or VH Method Pads - Both are chemical exfoliating pads, and ideal for when you need a deep clean. I also stash a few of these in my makeup bag whenever I’m traveling for a quick skin declog. From $90

goop Microderm Exfoliating Instant Facial - A 3 minute mask for smooth, baby soft skin. Just give yourself a few days between this and the peel pads above since they both have so many active ingredients. $125

Sidenote, if you want this, the Peptide Serum and the mattefying water cream I mentioned above, here is a link to get it discounted. We call it Gwyneth’s “Less is More” routine, which is slightly ironic in the context of this post.

May Lindstrom Blue Cocoon - A salve for when you need hydration and moisture, fast. $220

The Hair:

Jolie Showerhead - I thought the idea of a filtered shower head seemed extraneous. Then I tried this one. It changes your hair. From $165

Necessaire Rosemary Shampoo & Conditioner - It smells like you’re on holiday at a chateau in Saint Remy, and the deep green looks stunning in a shower. From $56.

Crown Affair Dry Shampoo - My favorite dry shampoo (and non aerosol, which means it’s better for the environment and you can take it with you while traveling). It comes with a little brush to evenly distribute the powder in your hair. My only complaint is that it can get messy, but it works. $42

La Bonne Brusse Hairbrush - The French know beauty, and this hairbrush is made by one of the oldest brush makers in the country. They rounded up a dermatologist, a physician, a hairstylist, and an acupuncturist to create it, which leaves us with a massaged scalp and silky, unbroken hair. Plus it’s French, which means aesthetics are always in play, so it’s a gorgeous item to display on your nightstand. I think this hairbrush is beautiful too. From $125 (it’s on sale!)

And on top of all that, the makeup:

Iris & Romeo Weekend Skin SPF 50 (I wear Universal Glow) - My go to for faking perfect skin. It gives you a light sheen that looks like you’ve slept 12 hours in a lace nightgown on a fainting couch, without making you look like you have anything on your skin. The amount of compliments I get when I have this on is astounding. $50

Westman Atelier Bonne Brow Pencil - Chalky tapered pencil on one side, brush on the other for bitchy brows. If you want something that dispenses less powder but still with a brush, try the Kosas one. $38

End Zit - A horrible name, but a wonderful solution if you need a little coverage and a product that will heal acne or comedones. $21

goop Beauty Featherlash Lifting Serum Mascara (for day) - A buildable, lash serum meets mascara for an effortless day look. $28

Chanel Le Volume Mascara (for night) - This inky, volumizing mascara is perfection for a night out. It’s a bit tough to wash off, but worth it when you need a wow factor. $40

RMS Uncover Up Concealer - The kind of blendable concealer that lets your skin shine through, but just the parts you want. I wear Shade 44, but the site has a helpful guide to pick your exact shade. $39

Kosas Wet Stick Lipstick - This comes in a multitude of flattering colors (I wear Sunset Shimmer), and the tube looks like a lip balm, so it’s easy to apply and not awkward to put on in public. The ceramides in the formula also make it super moisturizing. $24

It takes a lot of work to look like you haven’t done a thing.