in other lives: a fashion girl in the land of fleece
Dressing for current lives instead of past ones
Even though my closet is relatively empty these days, the accumulation of stuff is still a dilemma. I’ve never bought just to buy, and now rebuilding a closet feels paralyzing. It’s true what they say - the less you have, the less you feel you need.
People talk a lot about shopping for the life you live, not the one you think you live. For the next few months at least, we are up in Palo Alto, a place where getting dressed has a different meaning. In the time we’ve been here (granted my activities have been limited to the local French bakery and my daughter’s school), I have seen exactly one person in a heel. She was a cool 65, and I contemplated asking her if she’d like to be my friend.
I grew up here, in the same house that is currently sheltering my entire family. My daughter is at the same preschool I went to. My current life is too familiar and chillingly alien at the same time.
When I lived here the first time around, it was in the height of the tech boom, right after the mythological beginning of the valley. It’s why my parents picked Palo Alto. California was then, and still is, a gold rush. People come here to be lucky. It is a game of smarts, yes, but both Hollywood and tech IPOs are also, at their essence, an exercise in luck; of working indefatigably towards that moment of rare chemistry when what you want and what is available to you converge. It’s only in California that this moment can be accompanied by the concept of infinity. And why not? People burst through the limits of our imagination daily. They make cars that drive themselves, and save the world in action movies.
What I wanted and gravitated towards never lined up with California’s own ambitions. Even when I was little, my parents looked at me curiously. Who was this little girl, born into a family of practicality, so drawn to an aesthetic world that barely existed in her periphery?
While my sister learned to code, I dove into Jane Austen. I had a long, and looking back, quite odd, fascination with Scarlett O’Hara. I collected Teen Vogues, and ripped out the pages on the real girls, and had visceral dreams of the editors finding me at the Nordstroms at Stanford Shopping Center and saying they liked my skirt. And I left home at 17 for college, eventually ending up in New York, a place I felt I had always somehow belonged to.
And now I’m back home, with a family in tow. Mourning the life we had, but also rebuilding a new one, finding the silver linings (it turns out there are many). But my closet, a place that housed so many memories, is now mostly questions.
What vintage should I try to track down? What well-worn items do I replace? Which items have run their course and should be left to their tragic but natural evolution?
Do I need A Fancy Clutch? Bag size here doesn’t seem to fluctuate by time of day the way it did back home. Do I rebuy my favorite black satin cocktail pants when a casual drawstring feels more appropriate for my daily activities? Do I need a bergamot hand soap for the powder room when no one is coming over for dinner?
A few months ago, I did a Substack called “In Other Lives,” where I mood boarded the fantasy life of a divorcee living at Ett Hem in Stockholm. It was the beginning of a series I thought could be fun: an expat art director in Saint Germain, a sculptor in Lago Maggiore, a dilettante trying to keep up appearances in London. And when writing this, I thought, how funny. I’ve unwittingly given myself an installment of the series. In other lives: a fashion girl in the land of fleece?
Earlier this week, at the behest of my therapist who told me it was important to rebuy a few things to make me feel like myself, I made a list of things I missed. A capsule of items from my past life that got real use. A few I’ve bought. A few have been lovingly gifted to me by friends or brands who are trying to help people rebuild their wardrobes (you know who you are - and thank you. Also a very grateful shout out to the most wonderful friend
who tracked down this coat for me on Ebay, without me even asking.) Some sit in carts that I can’t bring myself to check out.
Eight to Desire: My Most Worn
Iris von Arnim Black Cropped Sweater - I’ve waxed poetic about this sweater before, but it truly is a perfect iteration of a cropped black sweater, done in soft brushed cashmere. It’s sadly sold out in my size, so I’m venturing into another silhouette from the brand as my every day staple. Also into this funnel neck one from my gal Lisa Yang.
Attersee Duchess Satin Cocktail Pants - The holy grail for a night out. I love them with a fancy flat and textured sweater.
Minimalist Sandals - A go with everything staple for work events, dinners. Also very chic with a jean.
Sheer Skirt - Just perfection when paired with a classic Le Smoking. I can’t find the one I had and not sure I have a need for this anymore but if you do, this one would be a beautiful special occasion option.
Rose Room Satin Wide Leg Pants - The best black satin pant. My friend Ally, RR’s chic-as-hell founder, also made this gorgeous coat. Let’s just say she truly understands the meaning of an object of desire.
TWP Wide Leg Pants - These were my go to for the office, with these chunky heeled loafers and a BMB belt (sidenote: I’ve always loved BMB and I’m very curious to see what is going to happen now that the Dixdotter’s are no longer at the helm). And I stand by my statement that TWP’s Next Ex is a perfect white collared shirt. But, now that I’m no longer at an office, is an office slack necessary? Am I back to COVID era dressing?
Fforme Nappa Leather Jacket - Buttery padded leather in a beautiful espresso brown.
Chunky Chelsea Boot - Mine were a Jil Sander sale find from Elyse Walker, one of my favorite boutiques to wander into, but you can find these from a number of brands at a number of price points.
And then I made another column. A list of clothes that fit my new, socially restrained life in a much colder climate. This list also produced mixed results: a few add-to-carts, one conversion, more cart abandons, an automatically triggered email that convinced me to come back, and one tab that has been open for so long that its fate is unclear.
There is buying for a fantasy life. There is buying for a life you have. And then there is buying for a life you are trying on. One that is probably very nice under different circumstances. But to embrace it, it would mean not being tethered to your old life; and to let go of your grip, even a little, would mean accepting that you can’t go home again.
What we can’t do for ourselves, we can often do for others. So when friends in similar situations have texted asking me asking what staples make sense to invest in, here are a few that I’ve sent them.
Eight to Desire: Dressing for the Life You Have
Suede Loafers - A luxurious staple, updated in this nubby suede for winter.
Kick Pleat Pants - I’ve always loved High Sport for drop offs and errand days. This earthy brown color could match an earthy new life. I particularly like these with a Comme Si colored sock and the above suede loafers.
Shearling Flat - Love these peeking out of black satin pants for a weekend dinner.
Loewe Sneakers - A truly great fashion sneaker that I used to wear constantly. These do feel more practical for a rebuy, except that I had found them ridiculously marked off during the final era of Matches (RIP) and there is something infuriating about rebuying something at full price.
Barrel Jean - An easy decision! Finally. Long live the barrel.
Comme Si Shirt - Easy, breezy, beautiful. But really. The perfect men’s inspired button down, made in Italy (and I love Jenni, Comme Si’s founder).
Varley Leggings - The coziest, best leggings in very pretty shades. I love going tonal here, pairing a pinkish beige legging with an oatmeal sweater and the above sneakers (or a similar palette.) It makes athletic wear look pulled together.
Wrap Cardigan - A keep forever robe coat to throw over leggings, jeans, etc. And you know how I feel about Co.
A note from NRB:
Despite not having most of my beautiful, special things, I still believe in their meaning. I’m trying to get back to routine again, including Substack, though it feels odd to try to find normalcy when so many others are far from it. I’m still figuring it out, so bear with me.
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Hi from a total stranger—but I have to say this! In the early ‘00s I was laid off, had a baby and moved from NYC to rural New England within 2 years. Nothing I owned (I mean, at least I still had it all, I get that) fit in. I struggled to make friends. I’ll never forget standing in the snow at an outdoor Halloween gathering, wearing I have no memory what, and sobbing quietly to myself bc what had I done?! I eventually made friends and got a new job (remote in NYC before that was a thing) and it was all ok and I’m still here but what I really want to say is this: I regret every single item of clothing made from recycled bottles I wore in my attempts to fit in. So: you don’t have to look like you don’t know better than to wear stilettos on cobblestones (or in my case in the snow) but I hope you will continue to look like you!! It took me years to figure that out. I bet you don’t even need this advice—you know who you are. But I just wanted to share. Put down the fleece and back away!! And oh, best wishes as you find your way back from this.
Oh gosh so sorry to hear about your home! This is so beautifully written - thank you for sharing ♥️